Mark my words: Either healthy food will win, or Doritos will takeover the world. There's no happy medium.
And the way it looks right now, Frito-Lay is in the lead with Doritos' newest iteration, Dorilocos. That's right, Crazy Doritos. It makes the Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco look like kale.
"[I]t was only a matter of time before someone gazed upon a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos, a product boasting no fewer than 27 ingredients, and thought: these need more," quipped Nick Miroff in the Washington Post.
Dorilocos are taking Mexico City by storm. And what are they, exactly? According to Miroff, "a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos sliced open, lengthwise, then heaped with grated carrots, jicama, cucumber, pickled pork rinds, peanuts, jellied candies, lime juice, two kinds of chili powder, and swirls of several kinds of fruity syrup and hot sauce."
Miroff explains that even though the Mexican government has launched a public health campaign against junk food, a vendor who sells Dorilocos says they are not junk because of "all the vegetables."
Really, though. Why even bother with the carrots, jicama and cucumber? I'm pretty sure the pickled pork rinds, jellied candies, syrups and hot sauces negate the presence of any fresh fruit or vegetable in the Dorilocos.
And remember those 27 ingredients already in a bag of Doritos? That's about 23 more than any corn chip needs (corn, lime, salt, oil).
So, Dorilocos is only a thing in Mexico right now, you say. They're not coming to my town. And you'd be right, at least right now, sort of. How about this, though? If you already eat Doritos, you're loading up on: GMO sugar, corn, canola, dairy and soy products, trans fat, preservatives, artificial flavors, colors and MSG. And if at any other point in that same day you snack on a gummy bear or jellybean, a conventional pork product (bacon totally counts, you guys), conventional peanut butter and jelly, or add hot sauce to a meal, you've essentially eaten deconstructed Dorilocos. I know, I forgot the carrots, jicama and cucumber. You know why? Because they no longer matter. There is no happy medium.
Even recent studies have found that eating junk food-even a little bit daily-negates the benefits of all those healthy foods you're putting into your body. That carrot, jicama and cucumber are only adding bulk and crunch. They're not softening the blow of Dorilocos. If anything, they're sad casualties of this war against our health. And there can only be one winner. Let's hope it's not Crazy Doritos.
Find Jill on Twitter @jillettinger